Fickle Resolve
Volatile relationships, changing blows, and secret friends. These past couple of weeks have been a tried test of spontaneous alcoholism and brutal reality. Positive friends will attract positive friends and the negative will draw a pit to sink your stomach. Everyone can't love you, nor can you continue coasting through your life with ease.

Tired Feet & Still Water
I'm a lot stronger than I used to be. Exploring the areas I grew up in-taking in the sun and the scenery. Still uncomfortable with self image, still second guessing conversations, and stepping through egg shells with acquaintances and distant friends . Though I suppose my time spent stagnant in the doldrums of the atlantic, allowed me time for the sun to settle the water - the waves rest gentle as the graves of friendships ended with an unrested sense of malice. At least with this gone it won't be long until the sun breaks for dawn and I can continue sailing.

Anchor
I'll refocus my attention to my anchors-the things I can depend on to pull me through whatever fog I just came from. Focus on my growth, my health, my business. Less being the 20-something dream hugger that idealizes friendships and romantic relationships and more of the make shit/get shit done. To feel grounded would mean a stable surface to continue towards my goals of success. Always busy being awesome.

Demolition, Acquisition
Every person I meet seems to be a welcome reminder of positive circumstances. Knowing that this shift isn't an end-all sentence but a gap to bridge across.

Short Lessons in Latin
I don't know latin
and I don't know you.
But I'd like to know to know you
if I wouldn't be so cold.

Droplets of icy sweat drip,
tired limbs from this constant pace.
I'll blink twice and hint a smile,
imagine a scene of graceful conversation.

I'm running off to another place
and you're soon half a thought away.

Fear in a Two-way Mirror
It's difficult to know that there are still bits and pieces of our relationship that flow and react as we talk. It's difficult knowing that these pieces are still rooted deeply in my stomach. Staring at you is difficult, and I'm still trying desperately to remain in control of myself. It's as if we're staring at each other through a two-way mirror, unsure as to what side we're on.

In Limbo
The lines are set and the runway is dimly lit, it's still much too difficult to see through the meaty fog of the city. I'm preparing my life for departure, box by box, back to a familiar place. I'll bring with me the things I've learned to start again and jumpstart my life in a place I truly love.

Riptide
Take a deep breath because it's starting. Your life is moving, you found a job and a plan. Hold that raft tightly and don't blink or hesitate. Let it take you and get carried out to the deepest part of the ocean. That's were you'll find the life and love you've been looking for.

Diving bell
My stomach sits at the center of a storm. There is much more to fight through and I haven't finished building anything yet, this is maintenance and much needed patchwork. It's quiet for now and i need to work diligently. With the next coming weeks, things will pick up and I'll be hard pressed to keep moving.

Black Ink to Typeset
Every entrepreneur in my class seems like they made the decision to do it, and that was it.  There was no such thing as anything else. The mindset was, I'm going to do this and this is me. I've got my youth working for me but it extends it's hands with fingers crossed. Half of it says, "You're in your 20's, the best decade of your life. Live it to the fullest." And the other, "You're still ahead of the game, you have the time and energy. Work your hardest." Perhaps there's room for both.

Dear Anela
I want you to know I'm happy we happened, and I'm happy we ended the way that we did. The past few months have been like surviving a hurricane, but I think that's exactly what I needed to wake myself up. We broke up with every perfect intention and I think that's all I could've asked for.

I'll remember it all
Kuhi's garage, spin the bottle, sunsets and plumeria trees, diamondhead beach, Young's Kal B, carving names in rocks and trees, long drives to college dorms, makeshift thanksgiving, college meals, jumpstart in junior year, butterfly beach, Kevin drew, geocaching, endless parties in senior year, our first apartment, drawing games on the bed, starting our plan book, moving to the woods, seeing the house for the first time, all the wine, brewing beer, building our shelf, thrift stores, karaoke, dance parties, gourmet food, gourmet drinks, All the trips to vegas, reliving old memories in hawaii, wine and cheese on the beach, champagne for the new year.

Denial
From denial I find comfort, warmth, and relaxation. I am stagnant, always fighting the confrontation of what has happened and what needs to happen. There is no silver lining for this cloud. Just a cloud.

Weather Vane
The frigid winter is wrapping up. I feel my feet are pointing me in the right direction, the weather is changing for the better, I'm beginning to quicken my pace, backpack in hand, but yet, I'm still looking back.

I'm still looking back.

Home is where the heart...
My home isn't where it used to be, it isn't there anymore. Not with her, not in that house. It's somewhere out here in the cold, grey, city, covered in fog. Things won't always be this way. I won't always be this way. But the place where my heart was once, is now gone.

Time Bridge
It feels strange being given back a piece of yourself. It's overwhelming when i think of how much I poured myself into those 7 years. That relationship dominated my focus. My time and focus was spent building and growing that relationship with very little overhead. "We" were my priority.

But, with my extra time I can now direct towards the areas lacking in my life (aside that of a healthy relationship). I will progressively become disenchanted with what definitely was a sinking ship. I was always too blind to see it.

Epilogue † Prologue
When I look back I see the remains of a house that once stood. Black ash and rubble, barely smoking. The sky is still dark around the skeletal remains of what might've been a house where i once lived.

But I am not stupid, nor weak, nor poor. I am rich with friends, and drive, and compassion. I am lethargic and shaky from not using my legs in such a long time. I'll grip the straps of my pack and just walk. The walking will hurt as the blood rushes back into my legs, but I realize now how desperately I needed this.

I'm sure.

Silent Trees
It's a strange feeling being in a place where you've been before only to have the circumstances be completely different. Minuscule occurrences like a half filled wine glass or a couple spoons on the cutting board, stain my mind with memories that never happened.

Just Watch the Fireworks
An old B-side from a band forever ago never held such a feeling of excitement and tension. Simple lyrics on the tips of lips.

Here you can be anything.

I think that scares you.

Here, I've been here before but only by myself, myself.

I promised I'd see it again.

I promised I'd see this with you now.

What giving up gives you

and where giving up takes you.

I've had and I've been.

Here in center frame,

here there's only air.

and just enough space to fit.

I said said said it out loud over and over

Said said said it out loud, but what do I know?

I'll stop now.

Just enough so I can hear you

I stay up as long as it takes

I imagine running my fingers across that chain-link fence at school. 

Day dreaming about intimate nights of fireworks, intoxicated by the explosions in a quiet-violent sky.

Hoping to find that girl to share those fireworks with.

Placebo

Hah, twenty-four and I'm still quoting songs from old high school love drama. Spinning thoughts around simpler times where our only worries were our parents catching us out late at night or making out. I feel like I could dream nostalgic for hours.